This month, Crispin, renowned wizard and spellcaster, answers magical mysteries and casting quandaries. Magic wand on the fritz? Accidentally cast yourself into the middle of a hurricane? Ask Crispin!

 

Q. Dear Crispin,

My mother-in-law has been staying in our house since April, and she’s been driving me up a wall! I was recently reading the September issue of Shapeshifters Monthly, and I found a teleport spell that I could mix into her blackroot tea. I followed the instructions to the letter, and instead of teleporting her away, I only succeeded in turning her into a nanny goat. Now all she does is bleat at me all day long! In the next issue of Shapeshifters Monthly, they printed a retraction warning that there was a misprint in the teleport spell instructions! Now I’m stuck with a very angry wife and a mother-in-law who keeps head-butting me and eating my starched hose! What do I do?

I. Fudgdit

A. Dear Mr. Fudgdit,

I would suggest you read my newly-published book, Crispin’s Guide to Spellcasting, under Section B52, Article 7, Lines 54-72, under the heading “What to Do If You’re Trying to Teleport Your Mother-in-Law and Accidentally Turn Her Into a Goat.” Follow those instructions to the letter and your mother-in-law should be back to her good old ornery self in about six to eight weeks. In the meantime, you may want to put some newspaper down on the floors and pad those extra-sensitive areas against the head-butting. Just be glad you didn’t turn her into a very large carnivorous meat-eating bird with a sharp beak.

Ed. Note: Shortly after this article was published, an addendum was printed to Crispin’s Guide to Spellcasting, stating that there was a misprint in Section B52, Article 7, Lines 54-72, under the heading “What to Do if You’re Trying to Teleport Your Mother-in-Law and Accidentally Turn her Into a Goat.” According to the addendum, following the instructions would cause the intended target to be turned into a very large carnivorous meat-eating bird with a sharp beak. Our condolences to Mr. Fudgdit and the Fudgdit family.

Q. Dear Crispin,

I was walking by a stream the other day when I found a big old bullfrog sunning himself on a lily pad. I was thinking about the old fairytale and decided it might be nice to have a prince around, so I picked him up (it was no easy task, let me tell you) and took him home, where I planted a big fat kiss right on his nose. Not only did he NOT turn into a prince, but now I’ve got warts as well!! Do you have a spell I could use to turn the frog into a prince, and maybe something for my warts?

Princess Rubella

A. Dear Princess Rubella,

Have you ever heard the saying, “You can take the frog out of the pond, but you can’t take the pond out of the frog?” No? Hmm, yes, well, that’s probably why you’re stuck with an unhappy frog and warts on your hands. Did it ever occur to you that maybe the frog is a bit disappointed that you didn’t turn into a bullfrog when you kissed it? If I were you, Princess, I would start going out at dusk with a net and catching flies. As for your warts, you might want to consult Crispin’s Guide to Spellcasting, Section F13, Article 14a, Lines 26-44, under “What to Do If You Are Unsuccessful in Turning a Frog into a Prince.” In the meantime, be glad he didn’t turn into a prince. Just ask Princess Rosella.