A. Dear Mr. R.W.,

There is a way for you to return, but the longer the distance, the less likely it is to work. First, you must find a Phoenix Feather and an article of clothing from your homeland. Once you have obtained the Phoenix Feather and the aforementioned garment, you must light a fire. Burn the Phoenix Feather directly in the center of the fire. Then, burn your article of clothing. While the clothing is burning, you must recite the following exactly as it is written, and repeat twenty times in rapid succession. “Feathery flint, feathery flight; fly me home facetiously fast tonight.” If recited correctly, the fire should turn green. Step into the fire and let it whisk you away! If your homeland is within range, you will be brought to a fireplace somewhere within your land. If your homeland is not in range, you will be redirected to the Phoenix’s nest from whence you obtained the feather. I strongly advise against returning there; mother Phoenix’s are notorious for protecting their kin by any means necessary!

-Crispin

Q. Dear Mr. Crispin,

I have been experimenting with potions lately, trying to combine the “fizziness” of a potion with the refreshing taste of a drink. Unfortunately, all of my attempts end in any number of side effects, including the disappearance of a test subject, never-ending hiccups, and spontaneous fire-breathing. I believe my idea may be very marketable, but with it having so many issues, I can’t get it just right. Can you give me any advice on how to make these side effects stop?

- C. Ola

A. Dear Mr. Ola,

I advise that you first replace water with a syrupy substance, which will help to suppress the hiccups. If the hiccups still do not subside, take a spoonful of peanut butter. That always does the trick for me. The reason for the disappearing test subjects is likely because you are using ingredients found in an invisibility spell. And disappearing customers are no good for business, so skip the cactus juice in your next batch! In order to obtain the best “fizziness,” pop a portion of storm cloud essence in there. And to cut back on the spontaneous fire-breathing, slip a

dragon’s scale into your concoction. Dragon’s scales are magically enchanted to absorb fire and are heat-resistant--that’s why they don’t set themselves on fire! Clever beasties! It also adds a good strong kick to your drink and enhances the taste at the same time! (But don’t overdo this one, or you’ll end up with some deadly Dragon’s Breath.)

-Crispin

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