This month, Crispin, renowned wizard and spellcaster, answers magical mysteries and casting quandaries. Magic wand on the fritz? Accidentally cast yourself into the middle of a hurricane? Ask Crispin!
Q. Dear Crispin,
I’ve been trying to make my own wand but I can’t find a decent material to craft the wand out of, or a high quality spell casting apparatus anywhere. Wood bases are great and conduct magic well, but one fire spell and it’s toast; metal wands rust very easily, and rubber wands are just plain silly. Can you give me any advice on how to make my own wand? I hate buying pre-made ones at local retailers and I feel I can make a more powerful one for less gold.
Sincerely, George
A. Dear George,
Making your own wand requires skill, practice, and a full stomach. First, make sure you have quick access to food; I suggest buying lots of snack food. It is not only quick to digest, but it also provides a delicious taste! Next, a good resource for magic supply parts is Phoenix Egg Incorporated. They provide the latest and greatest magic wand parts for cheap. Finally, most tutorials will get you nowhere. Few are written by experienced and skilled wizards such as myself. In order to make a high quality wand for cheap, you need simply follow the directions in my latest book, “Crispin’s Wand Making Guide for Novices”. Not only is it full of in-depth knowledge of wand making, but it is also published by a new company; all of my previous books have contained various misprints and whatnot that I simply had to
switch! Please note, however, that Crispin’s Wand Making Guide for Novices is the first book to come out under my new publisher. My previous literary works are still privy to misprints.
-Crispin
Editor’s Note: Crispin’s new publisher was bought out by his previous publisher shortly before this article went to print. The following statement was given in regards to the acquisition: "We are thrilled to be able to add the publishing and editing professionals of Ooga Booga Publishing Inc. to our family. We hope to improve our editing division beyond it’s current standards with this acquisition. We believe our customers will notice a difference in quality and we could not be more excited.”
Q. Dear Crispin,
I am finally able to go to my first ball, but my parents are going to be there as well! If I am ever to have a shot at becoming queen, I cannot be embarrassed. What could be more embarrassing than your parents doing out of date dance steps?! Please help!
A. Dear Princess Gina,
Oh my. You certainly are in a pickle now, aren’t you? I would give your parents a swig (and only a swig! Anything more and you’ll have a serious case of river dancing!) of Insta-Dance: Ballroom Edition potion. It is guaranteed to make your parents dance so light on their feet, people will think they’re flying!
-Crispin
Editor’s note: The Insta-Potion corporation, responsible for the popular Insta-Dance line of potions, has discovered a labeling misprint with their Insta-Dance: Ballroom Edition potion. It appears that the labels for Insta-Dance: Ballroom Edition and Insta-Dance: Street Performer Edition have
